I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
