My liver just broke up with me...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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