This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
