I CAN MOONWALK!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
