And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
