Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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