at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
