My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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