Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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