The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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