Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
