My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
