I think im going to throw up on grandma
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
