You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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