"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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