i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
she peed on how many people?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
