He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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