I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
