My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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