Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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