I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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