Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
