I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
