Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I want her autograph on my taint
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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