Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
