You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
