A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize