So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ketchup is God's man juice
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
