I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
