shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
