I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
They took my balls.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
