3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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