Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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