come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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