she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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