He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
