why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
