eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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