you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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