the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
