threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
