I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
