When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
