In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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