miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
