New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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