This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize