Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
this hospital has no fireball
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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