from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
