I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
