I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize