If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
