Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
