Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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