turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
