you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He better not be in your backpack
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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