Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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